Dreaming of sugarplums

Em – 

I had a dream.  And I am blaming it on this cleanse.

I was working at the Erie Beach Hotel where I practically grew up bussing tables.  I was in a scurry trying to clear and set tables during the dinner rush.  Once I cleared a table, the sugar jar and cream pitcher would rearrange itself when I turned my back and as soon as I aligned them again it would rejig itself around the table to an Alice & Wonderland affect.

So heres a fun fact about me, I love dreams.  To the extent that Jay has bought me a dream journal to document them all and my friends have come to me to hear their fortunes.  Okay I’m not a witch but I find it fascinating.  If I could Freud my own dream here, I would say my body is trying to rebalance itself after months of stress related chocolate consumption and is possibly having difficulties adjusting to this new food plan.  Sigh*


Day #1

Day 1, how we have anticipated you so.  We woke up bright and early to pop some pills and cheers to a promising month.  Only instead of our glamourous champagne and OJ we drink every morning (lies), it was water with lemon and some drops which we have yet to identify.  Gulp.  While Em prepared our egg white omelette (if you have never separated egg yolks with your hands its the COOLEST THING EVER!)  Jay whipped up the most…interesting of all smoothies.  We were definitely thinking nutrition versus taste.  It tasted like milk.  And for us lactose-intolerant gals, it was out of this world.  Em – “I felt like a child again.  There I was, in my family’s bubblegum painted kitchen chugging a glass of milk while waiting for my soda crackers and cheese to melt in the microwave.  I blame these after school “nutritious” snacks for the state I’m in today”.

The omelette began as an intriguing and surprisingly delicious breakfast.  Just as we were half way through, praising about the taste, how “we are going to rock this cleanse”, Jay let out a yelp and began to breathe steam.  Em, diving into her omelette, basking in the praise glanced over, shrugged her shoulders knowing that Jay can be a little sensitive to spice, aka. wuss.  Then it hit her.  The both of us perked up with pupils dilating and immediately started chugging our pulpy lemon water.




We bolted to the sink refilling our cups.  We went to extreme measures to cure our fire breathing mouths.  While Em coated her tongue with pumpkin seed butter Jay went to nearly throw up in the bathroom.  It was an ordeal.  It was a water chugging, celery crunching, peanut butter coating, gut clenching moment of our lives.  The 10 whole minutes we spent racing around the apartment attempting to put out the fire we consumed half our water intake for the day.  The candida cleanse did say to drink plenty of water.  Check.

Em – I have never been so excited to start a cleanse.  Maybe it’s due to my “I’m going out with a bang” McDonald’s Quarter Pounder meal I devoured the day before or if its because my dear pal/roommate is right along with me and we’ve decided to make amends to stop fighting over the bathroom.  After Jay and I went our separate ways for the day I meandered around the grocery store for a near half hour scrounging for food that abided to Mr. Candida’s rules.  I never, EVER thought I would revert to buying rice cakes.  They’re for people on diets, trying to lose weight, unable to digest ordinary food…oh wait. A bag of brown rice cakes, a jar of pumpkin seed butter and $9 later I had myself a lunch!  Thank the lord I had the office to myself.  I would have thoroughly been embarrassed mowing down these rice cakes with pumpkin seed butter all over my face.  Fact: pumpkin seed butter is twice as sticky than the ole’ PB. It also does not allow you to salivate.  I felt like a dog. To be honest, I was quite fulfilled after my air-filled lunch.  No abnormal symptoms to document…yet.        – Day 1, I feel good about you.  We are on FIRE! (and so is my tongue 24 hours later).

Jess: I found Day 1 somewhat difficult. Whilst at work (I’m a receptionist), attempting to greet all clients with a smile while keeping organized, a tsunami of exhaustion hit me and all of the sudden I felt weak and disoriented. I was 99% sure I was going to pass out in less that 5 min if someone didn’t get me some glucose. Stat. After intense bribing (which involved batting of the eyelids), John the massage therapist agreed to grab me some fruit during his 20 min break from the nearby grocery store. He returned just in time. I looked at him meekly, whispered a quick “thanks”  while slouched over my keyboard, and snatched the container of mixed fruits from his hand. After wolfing down every last morsel I began to feel much, much better. This is when I decided to add a serving of fruit to my diet everyday. Not too bad for a first day I suppose!

Grocery List :

We wanted our original blog name to be short & sweet like “yeswecandida” except some bugger already took that blog name…the funny part is they couldn’t get past Day 2.  We are determined, we mean DETERMINED to make it past Day 2 and through to June 1st.  Besides, the candida cleanse is neither short or sweet so YES-WE-CANDIDA-DO THIS !!

To get a sense of the pain  rejuvenation we’ll be experiencing this month, here’s a list of some foods we “can” & “can not” have :


CAN                                                                            CAN’T

Veggies:                                                                    Veggies: 
– asparagus                                                               – all potatoes
– broccoli                                                                   – tomatoes
– kale                                                                            – squash
– zucchini                                                                    – carrots
Grains:                                                                      Grains: 
– millet                                                                          – pasta 
– quinoa                                                                       – soy & soy byproducts
– oat bran                                                                     – rye
– wild/brown rice                                                     – wheat
Meats/Seafood:                                                    Meats/Seafood:
– turkey                                                                          – pork
– beef                                                                               – shellfish
– lamb                                                                             – cold cuts (bye ham sammys)
– chicken
 Dairy:                                                                           Dairy: 
– plain yogurt                                                              – ALL DAIRY
– kefir
Nuts & Seeds:                                                           Nuts & Seeds: 
– pumpkin seeds (super food in iron!)                – pistachios
– almonds                                                                       – peanuts
– flax seed
Extras:                                                                           Extras: 
– unsweetened coconut milk                               – ALCOHOL
– apple cider vinegar                                               – ALL FRUIT
– herbal teas                                                                – ALL SUGAR

For a complete list of foods, check out the candida diet website :http://www.thecandidadiet.com/foodstoeat.htm

We will make it past Day 2, we will make it past Day 2, we will make it past Day 2…..


No this is not a subgroup of Obama’s 2008 campaign or a link to some raunchy online adult shopping site, this is our one month long blog that will showcase our journey on the candida cleanse.

Yes, my friends and future followers (shout out*) we (Em & Jay) are diving into a world with no glucose, sucrose or yeast in order to kick out the infectious tenants within our bowels.  We have realized that bathroom talk isn’t the most appropriate conversation in social settings, although with bowel issues like ours it is of commonplace and has even slipped into our lingo on the dance floor (my bowels have better moves than you) and post-lunch updates via text message.

In the past year at least, the both of us have experienced what we call, the “cloud”. A condition that is forever in our weather forecast.  On a really bad day, “cloudy with a chance of showers” and on a mediocre day, “the fog”.  With this weather forecast, we might as well live in England…  The Brit – Jay, nods her head*  Its time to open the curtains! Let the rays shine through the clouds! We want our faces to remain brighter, and healthier.

Our two tales have lead us to this daring month of May & may it be a promising one.  Before we introduce ourselves, we must provide a caution regarding our humour – sarcastic, bold, full of wit- we must warn this blog is rated ‘R’ for gruesome bathroom scenes involving interesting bodily functions.  Please read at your own discretion.


Em – “The house is central to your everyday self” says the naturopath I saw in Sept ’11.  This “house” she was referring to was not my two-bedroom apartment I share with Jay bird, no she was referring to another physical entity that is equally important to my everyday life…my bowels.  Fluctuating between mild and severe symptoms with the odd nausea after tucking into a slice of cake, pain in the abdomen, and the embarrassing stomach gurgles in the middle of lecture- I thought that maybe something was up.  I found my answer when I looked down, down the toilet that is.  So I have symptoms of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), don’t we all.  Stress can impact you physically, yeah so can a lack of exercise.  Isn’t this the life of a student?  I’m afraid that while many of my fellow students can spend weekends playing flip cup, feasting on McDonalds at 2am and spending random nights at “friends” houses without suffering the repercussions of a bloated belly and a churned stomach the next day I however can not.  But not just a mixture of alcoholic bevvys, fast food and a lack of sleep has totalled my house…the apple I had for a snack and the toast I started my day off had the same effects.  Hmm…something is up…or should I say down.

Jay – My “house” has a sign hanging around it’s entrance: CLOSED FOR BUSINESS- PLUMBING FAILURE. The pipes are in need of a special type of a plumber- but none seem to have the right remedy! Two years ago now I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, an autoimmune disorder causing severe inflammation in the bowels and gastrointestinal bleeding. In short, my genes coded for shitty bowels- literally. My poor shelf is littered with bottles of pills, none of which seemed to do the trick. After a year of trial and error, terror and tears, I finally started Remicade. Made from rat enzymes (which explains my frequent cravings for cheese!), it suppresses my overactive immune system and gives me some relief. Crohn’s is a selfish disease- it takes and takes. It takes sleep, a clear head, and a normal body figure. There are days when I want to turn to the renown cure of comfort food to revive some of those flaky endorphins, but, this remedy is poison. Food is poison, those deliciously oily yellow crisps of salty fat that tongue’s on every continent yearn for produce nothing but a bloated stomach and frequent trips to the big white phone. But there is hope! Eating healthy organic and easily digestible food along with the right supplements fights all that bad bacteria down there and soothes those pulsing intestinal walls. I’m hoping this cleanse will create further relief- my fingers are crossed for the both of us!

Action Plan: From May 2nd to June 1st, we will be attempting to stick to a no- yeast, no-sugar diet. This means no breads, no pasta’s, no chocolate and no chips, and even no fruit! Our diet will consist mostly of veggies, certain grains, and nuts and seeds (yikes!). As incredibly insane as this sounds, we’re desperate enough to try anything to clear our infected minds, and our infected bowels. YESWECANDIDADOTHIS!

So here we are, a month of meat & veggies (“I’ve always wanted to live like the pioneers” says Em), cravings, blood, sweat and tears.  We’re up for it because our bowels aint down for it (we may need to cut back on all these puns…)!  Step aside Jesus, May this month bring us an answer.